The Presumptuous Art of Assumption

"Look at that girl over there. Just look at her. She looks about 14, pushing that pram and looking like she's had smack for breakfast, washed down with a nice cuppa with 2 spoonfuls of cocaine to sweeten it up. What a fucking wreck. Bet she got knocked up by that guy over there, that one with the Big Issue stack in his arms. I bet her mother is a whore and her dad's a dealer. I feel so sorry for that baby having to be brought into the world by junkies. If only someone would think of the children in all this!"

Assumptions are wonderful things. Without them we wouldn't have stereotypes which are perhaps the most accessible source of humour - which we now call racism, shunning publicly all who conduct or are a party to such disgusting misrepresentation of the masses, yet privately log onto Sickipedia when nobody is watching and laugh our asses off.

However, most importantly I reckon, assumptions allow for human creativity to thrive and our own little delusions to develop which help see us through the day:

• You see two people walking down the street, hand in hand, looking as happy as Larry (a very happy man indeed!) - you then realise that one of them is a complete munter and assume that the other has to be either mentally retarded or cheating on them with someone who is in fact not a munter and is living at the other end of town.

• You realise that two teachers of opposing sexes talk frequently and have a laugh in their workplace, and so cannot possibly be just friends, but are in fact banging one another in the store cupboard during lunchtimes - the very essence of high school life thrives on such assumptions! - The paedophile teacher, the love affairs, the dodgy librarian, the teacher who still stays with their mother.
  

It's like every innocent or seemingly natural observation made is silently and craftily twisted to fit some soap opera-like setting full of melodrama, murderers, cheaters, rapists and thieves and it's completely unnecessary and there seems to be absolutely no real reason for it save from the fact that it is just so damn fun.

Take today for example, I saw a black man carrying a TV down the street, and I assumed th-[Message truncated by the British Police of Political Correctness].

Dammit.